Dear Lydia,

A letter to my Teenage Daughter,

Right now you are only 6 years old. You're beautiful. The kind that I would recognize in a peer, not just with mom eyes. Already, a little boy your age, one that you seem to really like, has shoved your face into the asphalt road. He has also pushed you down. He is little and I, being the mother of a little boy, understand the degree of his accountability. I trusted your teacher to handle it instead of insisting to speak with his parents. You're still friends with him and he is the first person you hug when I drop you off at school every day. Usually, it makes me smile but sometimes it makes me scared. I don't and probably won't know him but he is part of your life. Aside from taking you out of your school, I can't change that, and at this point, I won't. But it is not him that scares me. It's not being able to help you if you don't tell me. Maybe he is darling and just made a couple mistakes and has learned. He is only 6 years old. What about a boy or girl, who is 17? How much more hurt can that cause? How do I prepare you?
This letter is preemptive. It has only been about 10 years since I was a teenager. In 10 more years or less, when you are a teenager, how much will I be able to relate?
Life as a teenager is hard. Your environment is so largely based on your peers. Comparatively, I had a harder young life than most people I knew. My father was a struggling alcoholic with limited brain function who was hardly around or supportive in any way. He died tragically when I was still a teenager. My mother did not understand me, I didn't trust her and there seemed to be not a lot of common ground. There was also some emotional abuse. School socialization was hard for me at times because I have a genuine love for all people and I feel really deeply so I can get hurt really easily. I have big concerns and big emotions still. While I love this about my personality it also set me up for feelings of betrayal and misunderstanding. I was really blessed with the friends that I had, and I also chose really well. I hope that I can pass on those skills.

Everyone is different. We all think differently based on personal experiences, knowledge, and fears. We all handle things a little bit differently. We all see things a little bit differently. It is easy to think that everyone understands situations as you do, or that they can be persuaded to. These are the reasons why it is hard to grow up in a community of peers. These are the reasons why there are other sides to every story. Here are my stories in case I don't ever get the chance to share them with you.

Harassment and sexual assault were rampant throughout my school years.

Elementary
A little boy, when we were in second grade took a picture of the gap in the neck of my oversized shirt. I don't even think I was that far developed. I remember being chased at recess in third or fourth grade because I had a bra inside my backpack, one that I needed but refused to wear. In 6th grade, two boys lied and spread rumours that they had lost their virginity to me. Although I really can't fathom how anyone could possibly believe that, my first ever boyfriend broke up with me because of it. It seems little and silly now but I remember hiding and crying in the backyard of a friends house alone assuming everyone thought I lacked integrity and worth.

Jr. High
When one of those boys tried to spread the same lies our first year of seventh grade I shoved him up against a wall right outside the cafeteria at lunch and yelled in his face that he would never tell those lies again. He didn't, not that I am saying I took the best option.
My 7th-grade birthday party, to which everyone was invited, had in attendance 4 girls and 33 boys. This was because my "friends" who also happened to be "popular" told everyone that if they went to my party they were not their friends. I was yelled at countless times in the halls in this specific case because when I heard of it beforehand I said "If they are really my friends they won't ditch me on my Birthday" which they turned into "they are not good enough to be my friends". This happened a multitude of times for various reasons and each time I stood there and silently cried until they walked away.
A male friend of mine pushed me against a wall in a full English class with his hand cupping me between my legs, no one reacted. I couldn't return to that class for a couple of days.
One of my best girlfriends told others that a genetic condition I was born with (cold sores) was from performing a sexual act multiple times with multiple boys. One specific boy had the nerve to explicitly ask me about it at lunch in front of multiple people.
Many people made jokes about the size of my boobs and created nicknames for me because of it that bled into Highschool. Including, Double D Danielle, DD, Big Boobs Bozarth, BB. When I had a friend introduce me to his father by one of these because he couldn't remember my real name I finally stood up for myself and was told I should take it as a compliment.

High School
Overall High School was very easy for me, I have many amazing memories and I remember all the things for all my friends. I was very social and got along well with most everyone. While I felt there was little peer pressure for substance abuse for me specifically I would say that sexual assault escalated.
A male friend of mine slammed me up against a locker and scream in my face for seemingly no reason at all and he had to be talked down by another male friend so he would let me go.
A friend's somewhat mentally challenged older brother behaved very stalkerish towards me and I was terrified to walk in the parking lot alone because of the comments he would make to me. My guy friends would help escort me to and from the main building from the seminary building but that didn't stop him, they would just become barriers.
Multiple boys kissed me pretty forcefully out of nowhere.
I invited a biology partner who I was also crushing on over to do homework. Since my lifestyle was so different from my parents I frequently brought my guests to my room. Pretty much as soon as he arrived this boy informed me that he had invited his friend (without telling me) to come over. I knew this friend a little and was not really impressed with him due to some not nice things he had said to me before. Still, I was ok with it because I wanted this boy who I liked to feel comfortable and I thought he was inviting his friend as a chaperone ( I mean we are all Mormon) and this friend had a girlfriend. So I was surprised when very quickly into this friends arrival he mentioned something about one of them (the guys that is) leaving the other alone in the room with me. They did something stupid like picking a number. Of course, the guy I liked had to leave first. Now I am not sure if the friend could see me or not but I mush didn't care, I shook my head no very obviously as I locked eyes with this boy while the boy started to head out the door. He left anyway. Even though I thought maybe his friend was just there to set us up or talk to me about this boy or something, my heart sank a little. He had very clearly told us that he would need to go gift his girlfriend a sweater for her birthday that night. Yet seconds after the door shut the friend pounced on me and started kissing me. I was disoriented in surprise for a minute and then proceeded to turn my head away, which he took as an invitation to move to kissing my neck which was worse. As I tried to dissuade him in that venture I very quickly lowered my chin to cover my neck. Then he took that (somehow) as an invitation to put his hand down my shirt. This was uncharted territory for me but I was not going to let him do that without a fight and this is when I finally vocalized no and shoved him off of me. As the people pleaser I am, I tried to act like this was not a big deal. That it was just a small confusing misunderstanding somehow. I don't remember much about him leaving. I remember not blaming the boy that I liked as much as I should have. I was so surprised by what had just happened that I assumed this boy had no idea his friend would do that. I still hope to believe that of him and his actions. A couple days after the incident I sent the kid who assaulted me an email telling him that I forgave him and that I hoped we could never talk about this again. I imagined myself as being understanding and gracious. I tried to avoid him at all costs after this but he was in choir with me. There were a couple times where I had no choice but to be in a small group with him and I felt anxiety because of it. There was one specific very tearful freak out in a public bathroom because I could deal. Though I did tell a few friends what had happened I did not confront him. Even as I heard other girls stories of his actions towards them and realized how lucky I had been to get away so easily. I did tell a mutual friend of his girlfriend my story because I thought she deserved to know. Even threw all that he never responded to my email or spoke to me again. It would have been forgotten but about 6 months after high school I randomly ran into someone at a local gas station who asked me if this kid had assaulted me. When I asked why he would even ask that he informed me that this kid was telling many others that we had participated in "Dry Sex" together and whatever else, so knowing this kid he had assumed me another victim. I know this random friend at the gas station had good intentions and he was very delicate but the whole thing revictimized me. This upset me and at one point I broke down crying from embarrassment in front of my boyfriend at the time. In his messed up attempt to stand up for me this boyfriend started an anonymous social media message where he called this kid out for assaulting me. His response was to call me a lying Bitch and to threaten to kill me multiple times during the conversation. Also, someone graffitied a penis on the back of my car window that same night, could have been just a coincidence. This kid, he repeatedly took away my power and belittled me. He made me feel unsafe and anxious and untrusting of all those around me. He was supposed to be a good kid, a friend. He caused others to look down on me and believe I lacked integrity. He made me feel guilty and ashamed for being kind and trusting. I told my Bishop to inform his Bishop as a way to protect the people he was about to go out on a mission to serve. I was worried what else he might do. After waiting and hopefully genuinely repenting he returned from a mission and told my best friend to apologize for him for the whole thing. Saying simply, "Tell Danielle I am sorry". As if that made any difference.

When I was preparing to serve a mission I had a lot of opposition from mentors claiming I would be a distraction to the men serving around me. This was without them ever taking the time to get to know how strong my desire to share was. This was before they knew anything about me except what I looked like.

On my mission, there was this one elder who, one day at a service opportunity, forcefully tried to tell me that he knew what type of girl I was and had been in high school. The kind that had a lot of "experience with guys". He told me he knew I probably tried many substances too. No matter how I tried to tell him that no, I was actually the girl who convinced everyone to go to seminary and that I was a teenage convert who had never even been drunk. Also that, maybe I had kissed a few boys I had never done anything else. Even though he did all this with the desire to "warn me" his assumptions and pushing about how right he really tore into me. Not because I hold anyone who might have made any of those mistakes in lower regard than myself but because I had worked so hard for years to have and keep my values only to have this one male forcefully assume my sins based on my appearance. Because what we look like is obviously an open book into who we are as a person and every deed we have done. Just because I love makeup and have big boobs does not lend any hint to my actions and morals.

I am sure many people heard negative things about me. I know most everyone knows what it feels like to have others assume things about you. To look down on you. To discredit your worth. I like to believe in the good in others. I like to give the benefit of the doubt and keep my focus on the positive at all times. My solution was to just smile and be kind and pretend like none of it happened or mattered. I care so much about others and I genuinely hurt with empathy to make them happy. I have learned that the only way to help others is to live by example and that has been my lifelong goal. So for me, being sexually assaulted and gossiped about made me look at everyone around me and wonder what each of them has had to endure. Communication can always help us clear up understandings but the only way to communicate is with love, an open mind, and without prejudice.

I hope and pray that I can be enough to help you be prepared before you have to deal with issues like this. I hope and pray that you will come to me when they happen so I can help you through them. Life is hard. It is also very much harder for very many other people. There is always someone who has a harder life than you. You are healthy, you have sufficient for your needs, you have privileges. You have me. And dad and brother and all of your huge family. And you have Heavenly Father.