Hallow '15

Dear Dia,
          I was going through the storage and found some of costume things I had saved, including some fairy wings I gave to you. So you decided you were going to be a fairy for Halloween. But after I saw the cuteness that was the Pottery Barn Kids Fairy costume, which we could not afford (Who can?) I bought you new wings and went to the craft store and DIY'ed you some early Christmas decorations into a  wand and crown. We went with gold and cream (Pottery Barn Kids Inspired) which happened to resemble the Fairy Queen Clarion so we just titled ours Fairy Queen. It worked out pretty well. You also did fairly well with the makeup this year, though we didn't go all out (just some glitter swirls).
       We did all the things: like going to GG' McBride's retirement community and seeing her. 

 I was Effie Trinket because makeup.

 We also went to Daddy's work and trick-or-treated.

And we also went to Wendy and Lances house (Grandma and Grandpa's best friends) and trick-or-treated with your twin friends that you call "The girls". But only for a min because  you guys did not do to well listening to us while trick-or-treating and we had to bug out. But you were not scared of the scary people, in fact you were adorably sweet to them.

Funeral and Falling

Dear Lydia,
   As a parent I hope to be always honest with you. My purpose is to pass all the lessons I have learned in life on to you and hope with all my heart and my fingers crossed that you heed that advice. That you can put aside my mistakes and trust my guidance enough to learn from the mistakes I make but also the ones I did not make. As a child I was able to look at my parents for an example and I choose to not follow in their mistakes, I hope the same thing for you. But I also hope that you will be able to take the good things about me as an example to live by as well.

     I have always had a strong aversion to substance abuse. I do not like the taste of Alcohol (like most people, let's be honest) and I also saw through the facade of self medication and peer pressure. People start drinking for two reasons;

• 1to be cool, either because someone is telling them it will or because someone they like and want to be like drinks. 
• 2 to help themselves feel better. Life is hard and drinking can help you take your mind off of sadness and help you have fun. The problem is that it doesn't actually make anything better, just delays the sadness and their are better/healthier ways to cope that wont make you sick. 

The problem with alcohol and drugs is that it can take away your control of yourself and something that you would never wish to do could happen because you are drunk or high. I saw this a lot with my dad growing up and it became clear to me really quick. That drugs and alcohol just makes things much, much worse.

   When I was your age my mom was a single mom and she invited her 2nd cousin to come live with us. KrisDee was 16 years older then me and beautiful. I looked up to her so much, I loved sharing a room with her. She gave birth to her son when Grandma was pregnant with Uncle Austin and I was in big sister prep mode which made it a little confusing for me at 6 and I thought Hayden was my brother too. He had hemophilia so his blood did not clot and he would just keep bleeding go his birth story was pretty traumatic and keeping him safe as a toddler required diligence. I babysat him quite a few times and it always caused me anxiety.

       On June 22 he was high and accidentally cut himself. He tried to call the cops but they didn't have any in the area. His dad found him later that night. He was 21.

This hit me really hard. Even after all we had been through this year I nearly got sick when I saw his body, the nausea started right when the line was letting me into the viewing. I don't know why it was so hard for me. Maybe because he was so young and it was such a sad accident but also because I wished I could have helped him somehow and I felt so helpless and I didn't have any words to make it better. But It was pretty heartbreaking.  

I tried my first french waterfall side braid in your hair for the funeral. Some how you held still enough for it to almost work out great. (It's not that great).

  But after the funeral my only female cousin on the Bozarth side got married and so we went there next. Their wedding was outside with table set up on a stone patio of a restaurant up the canyon. You sat on the chair on your knees to eat and I tried to move your chair closer to the table, I guess you were precariously on the edge because you teetered off and with your legs under you, fell beck of the head first onto the stone patio. blood was everywhere and I was already so emotional from the funeral I just basically thought it was the worst thing ever. So when the a restaurant employee asked if he should call the ambulance I said yes. Luckily there were some family members that were nurses that helped us and had surgical glue on hand so they cut your hair, cleaned you up  a bot and glued your head back together. It looked like this after.

 It may not look like much but your three and I am your mommy and everyone keeps dying. So it was pretty traumatic for me. We listened to the nurses though, who said you didn't need stitches, that they would use the same glue in the ER. So we just gave you a chocolate cupcake and some children's IB.

Then on the 4th of July, you made a little boyfriend when we went to get breakfast after the parade.

On the way out you had to give him a hug and it was so enthusiastic that you fell over and hit your head and broke it open again. I was alone with you because your dad rushed your bother out to the car ( like usual because he is Kasey) and I was panicking again and when we got you out to the car I was just so mad at him for leaving us behind and Aunt Kaley was there to witness it. lol.

Oh man. No more bleeding heads k??? I didn't not like that. Luckily neither of your outfits were stained.

So if you ever wonder what that scar on the back of your head is. Here is the answer.

Love Mommy.

Just Keep Swimming

Dear Lydia,
          I had to save your life today.
I bought you and Gray these life vest floaties for this summer and today we went to use them for the first time. They needed some adjusting (which I have yet to figure out) so it wasn't really keeping your face out of the water like it was supposed to. So I took it off for you. You said you were done with the water after that and since your such an anxious child I didn't worry. So when I was at the other end of the pool retrieving the beach balls and I saw you drowning I swam as hard as I could to get to you. I made it. If felt like it took me so long. I didn't have to do CPR, thank goodness. You kept telling me you were sorry you feel off the steps. That's all you think happened because you're so young. But I know what almost happened and my heart is so sore. It felt like you were under for hours.
        Don't you go anywhere baby girl. I really don't know if I could handle losing you. I'm sorry that I frequently have a hard time finding patience for your anxiety. Over heights, bugs, grass, showers, and now water (that one I get). Sometimes I worry that you don't trust me. I promise you baby, I don't want you to get hurt. I am doing everything in my power to prevent as much pain as I can in your life. I feel your every hurt in my heart. Please just take into account what I say. Sometimes listening to advice can save you a lot of heartache. But accidents happen, like today: things we never saw coming. I promise I will be there to help you: "Just Breath". You are always my first. I will always love you.
Love,
Mommy

Grandpa West

Dear Lydia,
              This March was very hard for our family. After we lost your cousin we were all trying to heal. We had been around family so much and we had been keeping in good contact so it was obvious that Grandpa wasn't feeling well. We saw him for dinner pretty often but the last time we had him over he was very quiet. We honestly just thought he was sad because he was like that quite often. We saw him the Sunday after that when we went to Kevin and Natalie's to meet their new puppy.

We had planned to go to dinner and then to the hot tube in the following days. The night that we were getting ready, Daddy just had a really bad feeling because grandpa was not answering his phone and he had not been all day. Also daddy could see that Grandpa had not been reading his texts either. So we went straight over there. Aunt Kaley met us there and she had been pounding on the door but there was no answer. You two and I stayed in the car while daddy went to open the door with the key he had. We could hear Daddy and Kaley screaming from the car so I ran to help them and I saw that Grandpa had died and that he was laying on the floor in his bathroom. I tried as much as I could to comfort Daddy and Kaley and then I drove you two to Grandma and Grandpa's house. I returned and most of the family had gathered. The paramedics had been there but it was clear he had passed away hours before. Then the police showed up and asked questions. After the coroner took Grandpa's body we went to Grandma West's house to discuss what to do next.

I hope that you keep your memories of him. I hope you remember all the times he baby sat you. I hope you remember how nice of a person he was. I hope that you know where your beautiful blue eyes came from. I hope you also inherited his gentle personalty. You had one of those super nice Grandpa's who loved you so much. I am so sorry you lost him. He was great.  

You called him Paca, and he LOVED it. 

You had a hard time understanding that he wasn't coming back but you kept asking to give his body a kiss and hug. So I lifted you about about 10 times and let you give him a kiss and hug. It broke my heart. I We also prayed for him, that Heavenly Father would take care of him for us. 

At least 5 times a week you come tell me that "Grandpa Died" with tears in your eyes. I'm so sorry you lost him. 

I'm so sorry I didn't take more pictures of you together. I still thought we had time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Also the day of Grandpa's funeral we lost your Great Grandpa Logreen. 

 

 

Shaylee Ann West

Dear Lydia,
    For months we have been telling you that the baby in Aunt Natalie's tummy was coming in March. So much so, that you would tell us yourself. We told you it was a girl and we bought you both matching bows. We were so excited that you would have someone in the immediate family that you could love and play with. Especially with how close we are to them, how much they baby sit you, and because they are family AND friends.
   I told you last Monday that there was an accident and that your cousin that you would grow up with would not be growing up anymore. That instead she went to live with Heavenly Father. I told you that if you were nice all your life and tried hard to do things for other people that someday you could get the chance to play with her.
   Mommy and Daddy went to the hospital to see her beautiful little face. We went to her funeral and you tried really hard to stand still but it was too much. We saw her tiny coffin and all the pretty flowers that were for her. Grandma Donna gave you a little rose out of the Spray that was too big for her coffin. You broke the stem twice and that made you cry but I dried it for you. I put it up where your little hands can't crush it's bloom. Because I know that someday you will understand that it represents what was lost. We let go of all of those pretty pink balloons so that they could fly off to Shaylee. That was hard for you guys to let go but you understood that you were giving them to someone else, someone who would love them just as much, if not more than you.
   Our family is healing. We pray for Uncle Kevin and Aunt Natalie every night. We have watched them be so strong and beautiful in such a heartbreaking situation. Someday it will be the way it should and we will be a forever family but until then a little piece of each of our hearts with be with her in heaven.
Love Mommy