Funeral and Falling

Dear Lydia,
   As a parent I hope to be always honest with you. My purpose is to pass all the lessons I have learned in life on to you and hope with all my heart and my fingers crossed that you heed that advice. That you can put aside my mistakes and trust my guidance enough to learn from the mistakes I make but also the ones I did not make. As a child I was able to look at my parents for an example and I choose to not follow in their mistakes, I hope the same thing for you. But I also hope that you will be able to take the good things about me as an example to live by as well.

     I have always had a strong aversion to substance abuse. I do not like the taste of Alcohol (like most people, let's be honest) and I also saw through the facade of self medication and peer pressure. People start drinking for two reasons;

• 1to be cool, either because someone is telling them it will or because someone they like and want to be like drinks. 
• 2 to help themselves feel better. Life is hard and drinking can help you take your mind off of sadness and help you have fun. The problem is that it doesn't actually make anything better, just delays the sadness and their are better/healthier ways to cope that wont make you sick. 

The problem with alcohol and drugs is that it can take away your control of yourself and something that you would never wish to do could happen because you are drunk or high. I saw this a lot with my dad growing up and it became clear to me really quick. That drugs and alcohol just makes things much, much worse.

   When I was your age my mom was a single mom and she invited her 2nd cousin to come live with us. KrisDee was 16 years older then me and beautiful. I looked up to her so much, I loved sharing a room with her. She gave birth to her son when Grandma was pregnant with Uncle Austin and I was in big sister prep mode which made it a little confusing for me at 6 and I thought Hayden was my brother too. He had hemophilia so his blood did not clot and he would just keep bleeding go his birth story was pretty traumatic and keeping him safe as a toddler required diligence. I babysat him quite a few times and it always caused me anxiety.

       On June 22 he was high and accidentally cut himself. He tried to call the cops but they didn't have any in the area. His dad found him later that night. He was 21.

This hit me really hard. Even after all we had been through this year I nearly got sick when I saw his body, the nausea started right when the line was letting me into the viewing. I don't know why it was so hard for me. Maybe because he was so young and it was such a sad accident but also because I wished I could have helped him somehow and I felt so helpless and I didn't have any words to make it better. But It was pretty heartbreaking.  

I tried my first french waterfall side braid in your hair for the funeral. Some how you held still enough for it to almost work out great. (It's not that great).

  But after the funeral my only female cousin on the Bozarth side got married and so we went there next. Their wedding was outside with table set up on a stone patio of a restaurant up the canyon. You sat on the chair on your knees to eat and I tried to move your chair closer to the table, I guess you were precariously on the edge because you teetered off and with your legs under you, fell beck of the head first onto the stone patio. blood was everywhere and I was already so emotional from the funeral I just basically thought it was the worst thing ever. So when the a restaurant employee asked if he should call the ambulance I said yes. Luckily there were some family members that were nurses that helped us and had surgical glue on hand so they cut your hair, cleaned you up  a bot and glued your head back together. It looked like this after.

 It may not look like much but your three and I am your mommy and everyone keeps dying. So it was pretty traumatic for me. We listened to the nurses though, who said you didn't need stitches, that they would use the same glue in the ER. So we just gave you a chocolate cupcake and some children's IB.

Then on the 4th of July, you made a little boyfriend when we went to get breakfast after the parade.

On the way out you had to give him a hug and it was so enthusiastic that you fell over and hit your head and broke it open again. I was alone with you because your dad rushed your bother out to the car ( like usual because he is Kasey) and I was panicking again and when we got you out to the car I was just so mad at him for leaving us behind and Aunt Kaley was there to witness it. lol.

Oh man. No more bleeding heads k??? I didn't not like that. Luckily neither of your outfits were stained.

So if you ever wonder what that scar on the back of your head is. Here is the answer.

Love Mommy.